


A Big Delight in Every Bite

by drandmrsmclaughlin, santamonicayachtclub



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Dubious Science, Gen, straight dudes trying to understand gay things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 06:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13564881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drandmrsmclaughlin/pseuds/drandmrsmclaughlin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/santamonicayachtclub/pseuds/santamonicayachtclub
Summary: Twink Neal is real...or is he?





	A Big Delight in Every Bite

Link went almost forty years without eating a twinkie and, regardless of how scandalized Rhett was when he found out, he doesn’t think it was particularly life-altering when he finally tried one. Too sweet, kind of mushy, ultimately edible, Hostess quality through and through. It’s not his favorite snack, but it’ll do in a pinch.

So when they’re meandering their way through a planning session and his stomach is growling up a storm, Link helps himself to the first snack he can get his hands on.

Maybe it’s a little excessive to groan, "Yeaaaah, love me a twink," before sinking his teeth into it, but whatever. 

Rhett doesn’t even acknowledge the remark, but Link notices some significant glances being exchanged among crew members.

“What?” He blinks at each of them in turn. “I got cream filling on my nose?”

There’s a weird silence--not a cringey one, more like the kind of silence where humor is hanging so heavy in the air it’s a wonder no one’s actually laughing. Clearly there’s something funny and it’s sailed right over his head. 

Ellie’s the one who breaks it. “You, um, probably shouldn’t say that.”

“What, _nose_?” Link replies dumbly.

She gives him a look that’s somehow both indulgent and exasperated. “No, twink.”

This clears up absolutely nothing. “Why not?”

Ellie looks a bit helpless, but Becca jumps in. “Not right now, but whenever you get a chance, you can have some teachable moment time with urbandictionary.”

“Or google image search,” Stevie suggests. After a beat, she adds, “But make sure safesearch is on.”

“I can’t just do it now?” Link’s fingers are already twitching towards his phone.

“That would be unprofessional,” Stevie says primly, not even trying not to giggle.

“Yeah, man, be a professional.” Rhett skewers him with a faux-stern look. “So how many pounds of sheep dung are we gonna need again?”

 

* * *

  

Thankfully, the sheep dung situation is resolved quickly, but another crop of situations is just behind it.

Link gets so wrapped up in the thirty other things on his to-do list that he totally forgets about the twinkie awkwardness until they’re in the loft later that evening.

So, with no idea what to expect, he types “twink” into google while Rhett is off fixing himself a snack. Unlike Stevie suggested, he does not adjust his safesearch settings.

It doesn’t take long for him to realize why this might be prudent.

“Oh gosh,” Link mutters to himself, and leans in a little closer.

He spends the next half hour researching this, then turns to Rhett and demands, "Am I a twink?"

Rhett takes off his headphones. "A what now?"

By now, Link has tabs open with everything from urbandictionary to Pride photos. He clicks back over to Wikipedia. “This? Apparently?”

With great deliberation, Rhett sets down his sandwich, then walks across the room and peers over Link’s shoulder.

And because he’s Rhett, he starts reading aloud in a bad David Attenborough impression. "’Twink is a gay slang term used to describe young men in their late teens to early twenties. Usage of the term varies, but traits attributed to twinks can include attractiveness, having little or no body or facial hair, a slim to average build, or appearing to be younger than their chronological age.’ Are you kidding me, man? This describes literally nothing about you."

“I’m not attractive?” Link says plaintively, wondering when the heck he started having an opinion on this.

Rhett looks him up and down, clinical as a doctor. “Well, you definitely have body hair and aren't in your early twenties, so maybe you're two-thirds twink?"

"I'm almost forty and I have a _wife_ ," Link practically squeaks at him, defensive all over again.

“Okay,” Rhett says slowly, as if he had any idea what a twink was until twenty seconds ago. He’s already shouldered Link over and started clicking through his impressive accumulation of tabs. “Think of it like a pie chart. Tendency to wear tight shirts marketed towards teenage boys? That's at least 10% twink right there.”

Link glances down at his Plastic Man shirt. “I like how they fit.”

“Body of a teenage boy,” Rhett rolls on, “I think that gets you twenty more points. But the body hair is gonna cost you some.”

“What the crap, man,” Link protests. “You know what, forget I even said anything.”

It’s a futile plea; Rhett is incapable of letting something go once he’s latched onto it. “Gotta say, your dance moves add some more twink points, and so does being all babyfaced. You lost more points for being outside the age demographics of a typical twink, though, even though you look like you’re twenty on a good day.”

"Also I'm straight, that's kind of a big factor," Link points out. "I like women. A lot. Or...woman, because I have a wife."

Rhett puts up a hand and makes a spare-me-the-details face, which is just absurd at this point. "That'll set you back a good...let's say 15% or so."

Because somewhere during all this, Rhett became an authority on twinkometry.

By the time they’ve carpooled back home, Link is already bracing himself for Rhett to start calling him a twink at every opportunity. There’s a good chance it won’t even happen, but it _could_ , and it’ll suck because he won’t even be able to fire back with "I know you are, but what am I?" since they've both done the research and Rhett definitely is not a twink.

Not that there’s nothing wrong with being one! But he’s just...not!

There’s an awkward moment later that night where Christy walks in on him intently staring at pictures of scantily clad young men.

Link does the only thing he can possibly do, which is a lot of flailing and “I swear this isn't what it looks like!” while she just waits calmly for him to explain it to her.

To her credit, she’s only giggling a little by the time he’s done muddling through. “So now you need to compare yourself to these specimens, huh?”

“It's for science,” Link says seriously.

“Say no more,” Christy replies, and leaves him to it.

He’s not sure when he starts getting hung up on the fact that twinks usually prefer to bottom, which is definitely something he's never done, but once the thought pops into his head it just won’t go away.

This is what results in him triumphantly texting Rhett at three in the morning: _TWINKS BOTTOM, THEREFORE I'M NOT ONE._

Somehow they left that very important segment out of their mental pie chart.

He feels very satisfied about this, more so when he imagines Rhett groaning and slamming a pillow over his head.

The last thing he’s expecting is to wake up and see a text from Rhett that just says “you’re missing out, man.”

Link has to read it several times before it sinks in.

Suddenly, he has so many questions and no idea of how to start asking them.

All this because he was innocently eating a twinkie.


End file.
